2017-05-18 / Viewpoint

Social media can be a hazard

The VIEW from here
Andrew Heller — Staff writer

A new study by the American Psychological Association says constantly checking your email, Facebook and Twitter can be hazardous to your mental health.

As my back home pal Moon Dimple would probably say, “Well, duh. Next they’ll tell us eating lard straight from the can is bad for you, too.”

It’s true that experts are always studying things that don’t need to be studied. But just to be sure, I called up one of the study’s chief researchers, Dr. Ima Navelgazer, for additional insights.

“So, doctor, how can email possibly be bad for you?”

“Well, for one thing, have you ever gotten an email from a deposed Nigerian prince?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but he’s a phony. He doesn’t really want to deposit $10 million in your bank account.”

“He doesn’t?”

“No, the most I’ve ever heard of anyone getting is $2 million, tops. It’s hardly worth your time.”

“Interesting. Are there other email hazards we should be aware of?”

“Yes, certainly. For instance, our crack researchers found that reading and responding to emails from your boss is definitely bad for you, and we recommend that you delete them immediately upon arrival without reading them. No one needs that kind of stress.”

“I’ll be sure to do that, thank you. Anything else?” “Yes, you should be extremely careful about buying things online.” “Ah, because of identity theft?”

“No, because the second you buy something online, ads for it start popping onto your screen.”

“That doesn’t sound so dangerous.”

“It can be if you buy something kinky for your girlfriend from Victoria Secret and your wife walks by.” “I see. But what about social media? Is that bad for you, too?”

“It can be, yes. For instance, have you ever seen those needy, passive aggressive Facebook posts where someone says ‘I suspect no one reads my posts, so to find out who does, please respond to this one with ‘I do!’ or I’ll drop you from my friend list.”

“Ugh, yes, I’ve seen those. They make me want to punch a flower.”

“You’re not alone. Our study indicates even nuns are 75 percent more likely to give their screen the finger when they read one of those posts. The only posts that are less popular, statistically speaking, are cliffhangers.”

“What are cliffhangers?”

“Those are the posts where people write ‘What a day!’ or ‘Pray for me’ so everyone asks them why.”

“I’m getting stressed out just thinking about it. But, doc, what about Twitter? Twitter can’t be possibly be stressful can it?”

“It can be if you follow Trump.” andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com

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